The most common reason couples give for coming to therapy is that they want to be able to communicate better. Couples communication issues take a variety of forms. Here are some common complaints:
- “We just have problems communicating.”
- “My partner doesn’t listen.”
- “My partner doesn’t make space for me or take my needs into consideration.”
- “That’s not how it happened.”
In some modes of couples therapy, the approach offered to couples to deal with these issues is behavior-based. To improve their relationships, the partners are offered communication skills. John Gottman, for example, has written extensively about actions and behaviors performed by successful “master couples” whose relationships have lasted, such as making soft start-ups to conversations, turning toward your partner when they make bids for attention instead of turning away, and taking a break from an argument to regulate your emotions before coming back together to resolve the issue.
He bases his ideas on research conducted in his “love lab,” where couples are wired with sensors so data can be collected and their interactions analyzed. The focus is on what the research shows will improve your relationship — the skills, the action steps, the behaviors and techniques. But how did Gottman’s successful “master couples” learn to be able to do those things that Gottman says work in the first place?
Beyond Communication Skills: Exploring the Deeper Level of Feelings Stemming from Unmet Needs
What couples initially describe as communication issues are in reality much deeper than that. What Gottman’s approach does not address are the issues of vulnerability and developmental trauma that underlie how present a person can be in a relationship, and how in touch with their feelings, wants, and needs they are. Many people who seek help in couples therapy grew up in families where it wasn’t safe to be open, to express emotions, or to be themselves.
In addition to our families of origin, society at large sends messages that many of us have absorbed such as, Put a smile on your face! Be strong! Be happy! Don’t disclose things you are sad or angry or grieving about because that will upset others or bring them down! In short, the message we often internalize is: Don’t be who you are, don’t feel what you feel. Learning to get in touch with what we want, to identify our feelings and unmet needs, and learning how to ask our partners to meet some of those needs, is an important part of couples therapy.
Couples Communication: Suzie And Jim’s Story
A couple named Suzie and Jim offer an example of this. Suzie and Jim lived with her teen daughter in Jim’s house. When her daughter became demanding, Suzie often got overwhelmed, and she and her daughter would raise their voices at each other. Jim grew up in a home where there was yelling and violence.
When things got loud, Jim had learned to keep his head down and stay out of the fray. When Jim heard Suzie raising her voice, he retreated to another part of the house. When Jim would withdraw like that, Suzie experienced the memory in her body of being abandoned as a child when she needed support. She would plead with Jim to stay and remain engaged with her. Through therapy, Suzie realized she needed to give herself some space to stay connected with herself. This additional connection helped her to not take Jim’s withdrawal personally. She was able to experience Jim’s withdrawal differently: Jim wasn’t abandoning Suzie. He was trying to protect himself.
Key Takeaways
While becoming aware of and expressing unmet needs is an important part of therapy and couples communication, sometimes people mistakenly conclude that to improve their relationships, they just need to learn the communication skills or techniques that will get their partner to meet their unmet needs. Then their problems as a couple will be solved! But it’s not this simple. Improving communication in a couple and expressing wants and needs is only the starting point. If we stop there, having identified what each partner is expected by the other to provide in the relationship, then we objectify ourselves and our partners and the relationship might feel cold and distant.
Go to Part II to learn more.
