In Part IV, we will talk about how the use of intentionality in therapy can help you separate from old survival strategies and move towards being your authentic self.
“Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire.”
—Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code
Role Of Intentionality
Umesh is successful and intelligent and has been a high achiever since childhood. He was raised in India and moved to the United States when he was 18. His wife was seeing her own therapist, but she came in with him for the first session.
Umesh said his wife felt triggered by him when he said things that she described as “insensitive.” I asked Umesh what he wanted for himself for the session. He said that he wanted to help his wife. I asked him what he meant by that. He said that he wasn’t sure, but asked his wife to share a bit about what he does that triggers her. As soon as his wife started talking Umesh began to interrupt her. I asked what he was feeling and again he said he wasn’t sure.
With some inquiry it became more apparent to Umesh that he was anxious. Realizing this was upsetting for him. He had always believed that people who experienced anxiety were weak. He believed that because he meditated in the morning and evening, he was very aware of himself and his feelings. Through an inquiry process he began to realize that he was experiencing fear and anger because he didn’t feel comfortable being seen doing something he didn’t feel good at, and therapy itself was one of those things. Umesh was a competitive person and very often pressured himself to be clever. Since he was highly intelligent, he would use his intellectual skills to win debates with his wife.
Umesh also used marijuana daily. He said that he wanted to take a break from smoking pot so he could figure out what he was actually feeling. But he also said that if he didn’t smoke pot, he didn’t have fun and enjoyment. I asked Umesh what his intentionality was for the therapy session. The NARM therapy model defines intention as “your heart’s desire and what you are truly wanting for yourself.”
As we both became curious about Umesh’s intentions, he said that he wanted to be able to be authentic around others instead of always giving into the pressure he felt to impress others. Even when he was not around others, he said that he felt pressure to be perfect. We discussed how one of the problems in his relationship was due to his way of disconnecting from his feelings, which limited his emotional awareness and made it harder to be present with himself and his wife.
He also acknowledged that smoking pot daily limited his awareness and had been a way for him to avoid uncomfortable feelings that conflict with how he wants to see himself. Avoiding these uncomfortable feelings also made it harder for Umesh to connect with himself authentically, let alone connect with others in this way. At this point we had a contract and I knew what Umesh wanted to work on. He wanted to connect with what he truly felt, and connect with others from a place of authenticity.
Key Takeaways
Our therapy work would focus on exploring with him what gets in the way of connecting with himself authentically and relating to others in this way. If we get lost, I could now ask Umesh whether what he’s talking about fits with this contract. Of course, Umesh is free to update or change the contract at any point should something else become more relevant to him.
It’s useful to have an agreement which focuses on the client’s intentionality so that we are both clear what we are working on. Intentionality helps us clarify how we can move forward together; without it we aren’t likely to get very far. When clients first begin therapy, many aren’t immediately aware of what their intention is or what they are truly hoping for out of the process. Collaborating with a good therapist to hone in on this intentionality can be very helpful.
Read Part V to learn more about survival strategies, intentionality, and curiosity.
