The concepts and principles described in this series of blog articles about survival strategies come from training I’ve received in an approach called NARM which stands for Neuro-Affective Relational Model. For more information about this model, please refer to the book, Healing Developmental Trauma, by Laurence Heller, Ph.D., and Aline LaPierre, Psy.D.
Someone calls me inquiring about therapy. He says that he’s struggling with symptoms of anxiety and depression. As I ask for examples of things that trigger the symptoms, I get different responses from different people, but they often include strategies that the person is trying to implement as a way to manage their symptoms. Some examples include marijuana, other drugs or alcohol, eating, sleeping, isolating themselves, watching videos, escaping through work, etc. I listen to how the person is engaging in the particular behavior. For example, taking a short nap when we are tired may be a form of self-care but can also be a way of avoiding something uncomfortable. The same can be true with taking medications or meditating if they are used as a way to bypass and avoid our feelings and emotions.
I’ve had many conversations with people who don’t know what is triggering them. Part of the reason they aren’t aware of the triggers is due to the inclination to behave in ways that help them to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes I have people who call and ask how many sessions it will take to get over the issue that they are facing and what kinds of tools I have to offer them? Do I have any strategies for tricking the anxiety and depression so it will go away?
The Therapy Process: Symptoms Are Clues
Symptoms such as Anxiety, Anger, Shame, Guilt, and Depression are clues that something connected to our early survival has been triggered. When people come in for therapy, they discover that what gets or keeps them stuck is the internal conflict between the survival strategies they learned in childhood, and being more of themselves and who they truly want to be in the world.
Symptoms themselves don’t mean much about a person without additional information about the circumstances under which they occur. Someone who is depressed or anxious may have many similar thoughts to another person who is depressed or anxious. I start to get a bit more information when I find out the specific circumstances that trigger the symptoms. In therapy we are looking at what’s influencing the part of you that criticizes yourself. Self-criticism is generally harshest when we worry about losing connection with someone who matters to us.
Sometimes, when clients have struggled with trauma, focusing on feelings and emotions can feel vulnerable and possibly threatening. Some people try to avoid feeling their emotions because they believe that their emotions are directly linked to their behaviors. If certain behaviors are overwhelming to think about, they may engage in a pattern of disconnecting from their emotions as a way to avoid the behaviors.
Jenny grew up with a father who wanted her to play sports and a mother who wanted her to learn more about creating art. Jenny seemed naturally more interested in sports. She would overhear her parents arguing about the art work. During some of these arguments she witnessed her father get angry and then distant afterwards. She felt like she had done something wrong and neither parent was available to talk with her about what she was experiencing.
Key Takeaways
As an adult, Jenny would generally try to be nice and accommodating in relationships and would distance from her feelings of anger for fear that if she became angry, she would also become distant and push others away and feel more of what she felt as a child. If she ever noticed herself distancing, this would also overwhelm her which would lead her to disconnect from her anger as an attempt to avoid this behavior.
It’s useful to understand that our emotions and feelings are precursors to the actions we take. As children, our fears influenced our actions. As adults, we have another chance to reclaim our authentic feelings that connect with these behaviors. Reclaiming our authentic feelings creates the possibility of choice and new ways of experiencing ourselves.
Keep learning about survival strategies in Part 2
