Part 2: From Shaming Ourselves To More Deeply Honoring Ourselves
Though people coming to therapy often state that they want to stop beating themselves up, it’s hard for many to imagine that they could actually overcome shame. Although there are things they have done well in their lives, they might insist, “Ivan, you and I both know I haven’t accomplished anything.” It’s like they feel compelled to insist, My performance is poor, and I have to criticize myself, because poor performance is unacceptable. In sticking to that narrative, they are identifying with the perspective that they believed their parents held toward them in the past when they were children. They may become identified with the limitations of their performance or accomplishments, telling themselves, “This is who I am at the core—I am a low achiever, and I am unacceptable.”
Rather than trying to talk anyone out of being identified with these negative judgments of themselves, my approach is to get curious with people about their experience. I might ask, What’s the biggest fear you can imagine if you stopped criticizing yourself? What is the scariest thing you can imagine would happen if you stopped being so hard on yourself? It can be very hard for people to tolerate the discomfort that arises as they consider these questions. As much as a person may want to overcome shame, self-criticism is a survival strategy that they learned in childhood.
Shame And Love
It is understandably hard to stop doing something if you feel that your very survival depends on it. Ultimately, we shame ourselves to remind ourselves that we might lose love and to protect and preserve the love in the relationship. As a child, if we felt like we weren’t getting the love, attention, or approval that we needed, that could feel very scary.
Shaming ourselves and identifying with our parents’ standards and their criticisms of us, being who we thought the environment needed us to be, and foreclosing on our own feelings and needs, all this was our way of trying to get the attention we needed to feel that we were accepted, valued, and loved.
Dealing With Shame Through Therapy
It can be empowering to recognize the degree to which shaming and self-criticism are things we do to ourselves. Given that this is so engrained in us, it’s not something easy to stop doing. But as we explore in therapy and spontaneously recognize patterns of self-criticism and how they originated as survival strategies, there is the possibility that we can relate to our internal experience with curiosity and gradually become less and less identified with these strategies, making more space to be ourselves and who we want to be.
We may eventually recognize internally that there is no need to criticize ourselves for criticizing ourselves. By becoming more deeply connected to ourselves in the present moment we may notice this pattern in a way that feels easier to be with. Hey, look at that. I’m noticing that I am criticizing myself. We can take a moment to reflect on what is happening, to give it space, and to turn toward ourselves in a caring way.
Shame And Childhood
Growing up, we may not have had the sense that our feelings were welcome or that others around us had any interest in our feelings and needs. We often had to foreclose on our own feelings and needs. Now, in the present moment, we have an opportunity to treat ourselves differently. Becoming more present in adult consciousness allows us to notice that there is something in our experience that we want to turn towards and we can allow ourselves to do this with curiosity and openness.
If our parents or the environment we grew up in didn’t support feelings of vulnerability, fear, or even love, can we allow ourselves the space to feel those feelings now? It may feel vulnerable to experience those feelings. Childhood memories may get triggered as the feelings arise, and we might start to criticize ourselves once again in response. If you notice that you are telling yourself not to get bogged down in sadness, or that you should be strong or stoic, you might turn toward yourself with curiosity and inquire, What is the wisdom inherent in this survival strategy I developed as a child? How did this serve me? Is it still serving me now? Do I want to something differently now?
Moving Past Childhood Learnings
It is challenging to move beyond the strategies we learned in childhood in order to survive. People most often carry these strategies from the past forward into the present, and the survival strategies may stay with us, but we can learn not to live our lives from these strategies. We can notice them, but we learn to be present with ourselves and these old memories and impulses without disconnecting from ourselves.
Through therapy, we can become clearer about what is driving us. Is it the survival strategy, or are we getting in touch more with our adult, present-moment consciousness, where we are able to exercise more choice? When we’re able to reconnect with old identifications from the present moment and to remain grounded in our adult consciousness as we do so, then we can learn to make space for them. We are not trying to get rid of them but rather to not let the child parts of ourselves and the childhood strategies run our adult lives. When we feel connected to ourselves, to our feelings and needs, we no longer have to follow the patterned impulses from the past. We can choose to go in new directions.
